Hi, Reader - ​
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One of my favorite things I learned interviewing teens for Growing Up in Public, is that young people are often more sensitive and thoughtful about posting about the application process and admissions than their parents. I wanted to share a few things I learned from kids about how it feels to apply to college with everyone watching. There is so much to say, that I’ll probably write a Part 2 at some point!

Rejection Support Group

I interviewed one very sweet senior in high school, Bagdon, who immigrated to the United States with his family as a ten-year-old. He was an exceptional student and was applying to some very competitive colleges. His close group of friends in high school had weathered the pandemic together playing masked basketball at the park and now they were applying to college and they met regularly to work on essays at the local coffee shop and to comfort one another through the inevitable rejections.

None of them would post on social media where they were accepted—they wanted to tell each other first, especially if they were applying to the same schools.

When I interviewed Bagdon, he heard back from Northwestern while we were talking… He spotted the email and said, “I can check later.” I told him to go ahead and check, knowing he’d otherwise be distracted. It was a no.

I empathized with his experience—getting the denial from Northwestern. He found solace in knowing he was going to go out with supportive friends later. And unlike many of his US-born friends, his immigrant parents were NOT posting about the process. So he didn’t have the added pressure of second cousins or family friends knowing where he applied and asking about it. By the way--he was already accepted to Notre Dame and would later be accepted at Harvard, so…he got through it.

Acceptance and Rejection TikTok

This moment I experienced with Bagdon of getting emails seems so anticlimactic compared with waiting for the much-discussed “fat envelope” in my day. Maybe the desire to share that experience is why some students post videos of receiving their acceptance and rejections on TikTok. After all, misery loves company, and (for some) it is also appealing to be celebrated by a bunch of friends and strangers especially if you grew up with social media!

In contrast, my own experience of applying to very few schools was very private. It involved a solo train ride to Chicago, doing the “Immediate decision option” at the Art Institute, and then calling my parents from Union Station to let them know “I got in.” No one other than my parents knew I was applying, or when I would hear back. Now I see that the Art Institute was way ahead of its time on the marketing front. As a teenager, “immediate decision” is genius. Why apply elsewhere, said my 18-year-old brain…

SnapMaps College Visit Spying

Of all the ways to find out where your friends are applying, Bagdon’s friend group’s plan where they tell each other sounds like the healthiest.

My least favorite way for teens to have this information get out there would be because mom or dad exposed their kids’ application plans via their social sharing. Or their Holiday letter. Another way to know too much about everyone else's application journey is stalking classmates' college visits via Big Brother. I mean….SnapMaps.

That's right, Snapchat shows people where you are unless you opt out by setting your Snapchat account into "ghost mode." So…your teen sees their friend is in Gainesville right now. Or Palo Alto. Or Madison, Wisconsin. Is there a college there? Hmmm...

In competitive high schools where some students may feel like their classmates are “the competition,” this level of knowledge can add stress. So many feelings.

And I haven’t even gotten to Naviance! If you’ve read Growing Up in Public, you know that the teens I spoke to had a lot to say about the college search and admissions software, Naviance, along with its competitors like MaiaLearning. How does it feel to see yourself as a dot on a graph? I'll write more about this in a future newsletter, but read the book if you want the deep dive.

Try to encourage your child to not get too focused on what others are doing, and to find supportive friends to laugh and cry through the process with. For you…try to keep your eyes on your own paper online, and try to find some fellow parents to laugh and cry through the process with, too.
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warm wishes,
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Devorah
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PS: I've got a free Zoom appearance on Monday, November 6th at 7:00pm Central, 8pm ET, 5pm PST! Here's a link to sign up for FREE. After the talk, there is a free after-hours Zoom event for those who purchase Growing Up in Public at Book Stall. If you already bought the book (anywhere) let me know by filling out this form (to get other goodies too!) or just email me with your order info... and we'll get you the link to the AFTER HOURS chat!
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