Hi, Reader -

My 9th grader is going through his first round of high school finals and it is taking me back to my own high school years. Except high school (at least the one I went to) was SO MUCH easier! I don't remember working very hard. And no, I wasn't just some kind of super-genius. I didn't work very hard and I still skated along with B's and even some As.

The workload I'm seeing now, and hearing about from families all over is...a lot. I'm glad that smart people like Ana Homayoun and Jennifer Wallace are asking thoughtful questions about "achievement culture" in their work.

Tech Gifts

As we move through the holidays (Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate!) and happy all the other December holidays coming right up... I know our thoughts might be turning to gifts.

If you choose to give a tech gift like a phone, tablet, computer, gaming device, etc it is often best if it is NOT a surprise. That can help you set the expectations together when it isn't a big family moment where you might be too distracted to support and mentor your child on what the boundaries and expectations will be for the shiny new device!

If you are giving a gaming device that you don't want your tween to use in their bedroom, for example, plan to emphasize that before handing it over.

Traveling now and back then

This is also a good time to think about winter break and what you want to the tech use in your home to look like. Are you traveling? Chilling at home? Some of both? We're going to Barcelona for a week because a kind friend is letting stay in her apartment there and I just could not turn down the opportunity to do it.

This will be our first trip to Europe since our honeymoon in 2005, and our son's first time "across the pond." We know how incredibly we lucky we are to get to travel this way. It feels exciting but I also feel pressured to do a LOT because we haven't traveled very much in our son's life due to the pandemic and now he's in high school and suddenly the time when we all live together feels very short!

One of our planning conversations is about what technology we'll want to use while we're there and what are times we'd prefer to be more unplugged. So many things are possible now that weren't on our last trip, including having cell phones from the US working in Europe with a new chip. But do we even want to do that? We're thinking about it. Recently, I was doing a podcast interview and as we were setting up the host's daughter Facetimed her from Italy where she was studying abroad. It was so cool to see the Roman Baths behind her as she spoke to her mother...but I was a little nostalgic for the old days of 5 minute hurried conversations at home during my first time abroad when I was 20. Technology has dramatically transformed what it means to go far away!

Winter break tech planning

You may want to set some plans or intentions in place around a few things to get aligned on expectations...

Connecting with friends and family How much family face time are you planning? Especially with teens, it may help to negotiate in advance so they don't assume that every day will be a sleepover with their friends and you are thinking it will be all family, all the time. This is even more important to plan with any college students coming home!

Creating vs. Consuming

Is this screen time that encourages creation – editing videos, recording songs, writing a play, drawing a comic? Or are they just consuming other people’s content?

Learning new things

Sometimes passive consumption is educational – TikTok has become a surprisingly educational platform! If your kid is currently fascinated by a specific topic, screen time can be a great educational opportunity. Do check in with them about what they are learning and have them show you the videos and channels they are watching.

Reduce vacation screen use conflict by scheduling “Pro-tech Days”

Our kids are less likely to argue about screen use if they know what to expect.

If they know they’ve got a day of less-restricted screen use coming up during their vacation, they probably won’t spend quite as much time begging to turn on the video game console at the hotel right after they arrive at your holiday destination.

When you’re consulting your calendar for those “Pro-tech Days,” schedule in some Unplugged Days, too, we can all make these screen-free days more appealing to our kids by planning some truly enjoyable unplugged activities and involving them in that planning process.

Maybe don’t expect your teenager to spend one of his Unplugged Days staring at impressionist landscape paintings at the museum with you. (Unless you know that’s his jam.) Alongside your kid, brainstorm ways to spend these Unplugged Days that won’t feel boring or like deprivation.

Recent Conversations

As I wrap up 2023, I'm celebrating the release and reception of Growing Up in Public.​

On "Black Friday," I got to meet up in person, at my local library's podcast studio, with Nir Eyal. Yes, my local library has a podcast studio. And yes, I mean the Nir Eyal who wrote Indistractable. You can listen to our chat here. I share which app is the most frequently quit (and also adored) by teenagers around 38-40 minutes in.*

Another question a lot of people have asked me is a variation of, should my kid be posting about the conflict in the Middle East or other controversial issues? I spoke to the Saint Louis Post Dispatch about this one.

One thing I shared that may be helpful if you don't have time to read the article:

“We need to think about what our posts accomplish, as opposed to other actions. What we post [on social media] doesn’t tend to sway others who may feel entrenched. In-person conversations and thoughtful listening (when possible and safe) can offer a more productive place to grow and to really learn and engage."

Want to snuggle up with a book?

Here are some books I loved this past year or so if you need a new read or gift for a kid or grownup in your life. Dashka Slater's Accountable, was one of my top reads of 2023. Technically it is YA, but get it for a teen you love OR for yourself.

Note: This is about an incident where a small group of boys created an Instagram account filled with racist images and memes and it is not a "fun" read, but the reporting is excellent and if you struggle to understand how kids can do some of the things they do online, this book will help you to understand the culture in a deeper way.

Need something different? Here are some quirky fiction suggestions for adult readers: The Rachel Incident, Tell the Machine Goodnight and on favorite for adults or teens: All the Birds in the Sky, are all here in my Bookshop list. Read this NPR review of All the Birds in the Sky to see if this blend of Sci-Fi, fantasy, and coming-of-age novel might hit the perfect note for you or a reader on your gift list!

Signed copies of Growing Up in Public

Thank you for reading Growing Up in Public, asking your local bookstore to carry it, etc. Would you like a signed copy for someone special? There are *signed* copies at the following bookstores at the moment: Novel Neighbor, Clayton, MO, Book Bin, Northbrook, IL, Book Stall, Wilmette, IL, Pegasus Books, East Bay, CA, Wellesley Books, MA, Greenlight Books, Brooklyn, Women and Children First, Chicago, Book Cellar, Chicago and Ivy Bookshop in Baltimore, Kepler Books in Menlo Park, CA and Linden Tree Books, Los Altos, CA. I'm happy to sign yours if we can meet up at an event! To be clear *any* bookstore can get the book for you, so support your favorite store, please. These are just the ones where I know I signed a bunch! Finally, If you've got the book and have a moment to share your thoughts here I will be super grateful...

Wishing you a low-stress end of the semester, a gentle transition into winter break, and joyful holidays.

best, Devorah

PS: Want to see me live in 2024? I'm at Zibby's bookstore in Santa Monica on January 8th. Davis, California January, 10. Zen Parenting Conference in late January, Deerfield, IL on February 6th and in my hometown of Stamford, CT on Feb 8th. If you want to plan 2024-2025 events, now is the time. Reply to this email or write to cindy@devorahheitner.com to talk about dates.

PPS: *Hint: Which app? It rhymes with Rick Rock.